No offense, but you got yourself into this mess ..again. I won’t say that karma finally got to you like it should have; I’ve become better than that. Regardless of our past, I still think you deserve to be happy. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you, I guess.
It just goes to show that you never listen, and you never change. Maybe someday you’ll learn and everything will fall into place. Keep your head up.
Woke up around 9, layed in bed for half an hour during our goodmorning calls. I was about to get ready for the carwash, but I saw the notifications all over FB that it was cancelled/postponed. AGAIN, if I must say. It’s whatever though. Fed Daisy, made breakfast, jammed with myself on the piano like usual. Got online and felt pretty relaxed, but I was disappointed ‘cause I really wanted to get out of the house.
Then outta nowhere, @krisellekelsey calls me from @chreeeschaan’s phone and tells me they’ll be at my house in 7 minutes. I’m like WHAT THE. So I get ready as fast as I can but still made them wait outside when they actually came. (Sorry!) Got in the car with Kriselle, Ate Julienne, Christian and GABE, hahaha! The most random group of people, I swear. Headed out to Costco so Christian could buy four churros and sodas for everyone but me.. LOL, kidding. Had myself a berry smoothie and we were out to Eden Shores! Walked the shoreline with those niggas, just talking and laughing about whatever. I loved being out there, and I always have! Mm. It was a great feeling being out in the sun, by the water.
Kriselle & Julienne had to be back in San Ramon by 3, so we all went our separate ways! @nikostephen met me & Gabe at the park and we walked to his house, haha. I swear, I had fun just kickin’ it with him and his little siblings. (x From TV to movies, hide & seek and roaming around the house. Yes. @swaggernelssy and her booboo Gabe came by and chilled outside with us for a while. Also fun, heh. Dad picked me up around 6 after I called him an hour before, AND THE DADS MET. Hahah! Hopefully he’ll be okay with me spending more time over there.
Spontaneous and lovely, yes. :)
*Added on by request. Also, @ronnieyooooo and big sister Lorraine called me when I was at Niko’s because she somehow found out about me having a boyfriend. My bad for not telling it to everyone unless they ask. It started with a text in all caps, but a few minutes later I get a call from Lorraine yelling, “AUDREY REYES YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE. WHO IS THIS BOY?!” ..and such. LOL<3
The only reason why I’d ever go back to school at the moment is to reunite with the real people I’ve been missin’. I mean, it’s nice to see familiar faces around, but I’m trying to go on more adventures with the ones who matter the most. The spontaneity level of my summer has gone down so low lately, and that is a problem. I love having plans and everything, but I’m craving the adrenaline rush. I’ll always prepare myself for school when it comes around; but for now, it can wait.
Well to start off, I’m still undecided about what I want to do. Yes, I would love to major in Music and become a teacher. I would love to teach English. I may consider Psychology, and I may consider Physical Therapy.
So, I’m not sure. But I’d go to San Jose. Maybe SF, but that’s too close to home..haha. Same with Berkeley & East Bay. And it would be gr8 to move seven or more hours away to go to school somewhere in SoCal, but I don’t even know what’s there for me. It’s just the atmosphere. (Oy, San Diego <3) What I wish is to have the opportunity to visit every campus and explore the schools I have yet to learn about, because I honestly don’t know that much.
It’s so easy for us to judge others on the spot. I understand first impressions; they’re natural. For me, that’s holding a conversation and getting past the stranger level. A simple introduction in seconds, even. But I mean, deciding whether or not you like someone by only seeing them from afar? That’s a bit irrational, considering you’ve never spoken a word to each other. Everyone’s a hypocrite when it comes to criticizing people, but all that unnecessary negativity won’t do you any good. Save your breath on that next rude comment and make a friend.
If my dear love were but the child of state,
It might for Fortune's bastard be unfathered,
As subject to Time's love or to Time's hate,
Weeds among weeds, or flowers with flowers gathered.
No, it was builded far from accident;
It suffers not in smiling pomp, nor falls
Under the blow of thralled discontent,
Whereto th' inviting time our fashion calls:
It fears not policy, that heretic,
Which works on leases of short-number'd hours,
But all alone stands hugely politic,
That it nor grows with heat, nor drowns with showers.
To this I witness call the fools of time,
Which die for goodness, who have lived for crime.
My dear anonymous, it’s late at night and I’m not supposed to be awake. I’ll pick apart these words tomorrow. I have no response to them other than that at the moment. I apologize if that disappoints you.
this is the first time I’ve liked someone so genuinely that I wasn’t scared to tell my dad upfront. I used to be so secretive, unsure when to open up about a relationship. Not because my feelings weren’t real, but because I didn’t know how to approach the subject of having a “special someone” in my life. But this guy is different. I want to be able to say that he’s that important to me, and I’m not afraid to show it.
I think we’re starting to have some problems. I know I always wanted you around a couple months ago, ‘cause you were never out when school was in. I missed you in the spring. I still love you and the warmth you give me, but ever since you burned me twice, I don’t know what to do. You never used to hurt me so easily, but now when I’m with you for a day I wake up with pain the next morning. My face is so burnt, and my tan lines are still horrible. Now I have a new friend, and her name is Aloe…
I hope we get through this. I still need you, I just don’t like how you’re making me so sensitive. It hurts. Don’t leave me.
it is midnight. I will not abuse my body. I will sleep as soon as I can, because my dad is losing his own sleep over worrying about me; about my health. Another two hour talk has gotten our relationship further along. I’m anemic and this is pattern does no good for me. I will use my head and act on more of my mind rather than my emotions. I will do my best to be rational, smart, and responsible while enjoying life. I’m only 16 but I will no longer be a disappointment. I am going to change my ways and my lifestyle will not dwell on the unrepairable past I lived with the scars of a dysfunctional mother and a try-hard family. I am going to get through this and I will focus on myself, my well being. My happiness. Goodbye, late night summer vibes. I must restore myself.
Last night, he randomly called me around 11 saying “You good?” I was a little confused because I don’t know why I shouldn’t be, but I guess he just knows. (and bases it off my Tumblr..) I didn’t have to explain in an hour long story about how I was feeling, and he still managed to make up a scenario that will probably never happen in real life. “The answer is no. No. You get a time out. No.” HAHA. It got me laughin’ for days though, like always! That’s what I love about chillin’ with this guy; we’re just always messing around while talking about serious things. Even if we didn’t stay on the phone for long, it really made my night.
Renz Dela Cruz, you are a true homie. I don’t know if or when you’ll ever see this, but it doesn’t matter. I appreciate how we always check up on each other, and that we don’t have to talk everyday to be so close. I mean, who wants to text yo bitchass onna daily anyway..? /loljk. I miss you a lot and we need to get back on our adventures; it’s been a while. I love you big braddah! :)
I just had the longest talk with my dad. About life, about everything. About me fucking up and him being disappointed in me. About me needing to change how I am at home. About being able to open up to him, and not hiding how I feel. I mean, damn. I hate when he looks me in the eye and tells me that what he does is for me. Because, well, I know that. I can’t even explain how many times I’ve talked about him on this damn blog, to other people, just anything. I know. And I appreciate him so much. I hate that I slip so easily when we’re doing okay, and he said it himself. He could blink and I could already mess something up. I’m working on that, though.
Our conversation turned into talking about my mom and Grace, though. It happens a lot now. He told me all about their history, and I swear to you, it is EXACTLY like a story you’d see in a movie. I mean, goodness. So dramatic and whatnot.
But it was really nice. I mean, I’m still in trouble, but I feel like we’re on good terms. I just don’t know what to do. I’m still going to worry about the little things with my mom, and I’m still going to stress about my own personal life.. But I love my dad. Seriously, he is the one person I want to make proud the most. He’s so protective and judgmental at times, but without him I’d be nothing. I just want him to be happy, and I want to be the best daughter I can be. I owe him that much, and more.
I hate crying after my dad ends a talk with me. It’s almost always because we talk about my mom. I’m not going to lie to him and tell him there’s nothing weird about Grace moving in, so I said it. I like her. She’s great. Yes. But even if that’s far into the future.. I don’t know. I was so close to opening up to him, but no. I can’t handle him sometimes.