I actually spent time with my dad one on one. It’s been awhile, really. I can’t even remember the last time we went out to eat and just run errands or whatever without Grace being there. Not that it’s a problem, I mean, she’s great. But it’s just nice to have a real conversation with my dad when it’s just the two of us.
I can never be fully happy without being unsure. Even the slightest bit of worry hangs over my head; a dark cloud or some bullshit like that. It’s not a lack of trust, it’s me being haunted by the past so often. I don’t want to blame others because I keep thinking it’s all in my head. At one moment I can completely be comfortable and allow myself to feel how I feel; but then I look back on it and analyze too hard. I ask myself whether or not I’m sure of what I’m doing, and whether or not it was right. I don’t want to show indifference when underneath I’m just confused.
Am I waiting for things to just fall into place? Do I believe in all that talk of love interests and all? Well, I mean love, yes, is extraordinary and “makes the world go ‘round”, but why is it something to put such stress over? I just turned 16, and I’ve got years and years and years ahead of me. Prioritizing is important, is it not?
And yet, it’s the thing of today. Living your life to the fullest, simply because no one knows forsure when that life will end. But honestly, it’s hard with everything placed as it is, right? Living it to the fullest, taking every advantage you can just makes you try too hard to be perfectly happy all the time. I can’t do that for myself. I think living my life through acceptance works out just fine, and there’s no definition of it in itself; like love.
It’s just me, late at night when the thoughts are heavy and everything either finally comes together or makes no sense at all.
J:Spider on the wall. Shit just jumped. And idk where it went.
PB:Shit just got real. Hide. Did I tell you about the one I drowned IN MY SHOWER?!
J:WTF. What happened boo?
PB:So there was a hugeass spider chillin' on it's web in the high corner of my bathroom, and I'm like "Fuck you, stay there." And I close my eyes for like 3 seconds and that shit is hovering down or something and I scream but I'm home alone. So I stand still for hella long 'til it crawls up the wall, AND THEN IT FALLS and I freak out and start throwing water on it. I drowned that bitch 'til it was in the drain. FUCK WIDDIT.
J:Tell me why I could picture all of that LOL. "Fuck you."
PB:If we were stuck in a room with a spider we'd both be dead.
Maybe if you didn’t come at me so rudely, I’d have more respect for what you have to say. Maybe if you actually tried hearing me out for once, we would actually get along more often. Maybe if you approached me without being so sarcastic and blunt, I’d listen and do my best to change my ways. But you don’t, so what’s the point?
Stayed up ‘til like 5 last night for no reason, forced myself out of bed at 9 then knocked out again until 10. Got ready, swooped Amanda and headed to the Stern Grove Festival in South San Francisco. <3 Amazing weather, lots of sun and whatnot. Sat on that stupid rock for hours, waiting for the show to start. Jazz Mafia was aight, I think they’ve had better shows. Listened for a few songs then left to San Jose to go to the big ass Flea Market. Knocked out in the car and woke up because of the heat. Ended up buying two dresses, capri sweats and six pairs of earrings for like $45! Good shit.
Came home with an avocado snow from Quickly’s, baked a pizza and watched Lady & the Tramp with bestfriend. I love that movie so much, agh. Feelin’ kinda sick though, all curled up on the couch and being cold ): Had s’mores on the makeshift fire by using the stove to roast our marshmallows, LOL. Thas how we do it.
Fun, but I’m worn out from the lack of sleep, haha. Tomorrow shall be an at home day for me.
Felt cute, haha. Had Wingstop, spent a lot of my day with Dad & Grace. There was yummy weather in Millbrae when we stopped at the Sixteen Mile House where they have their gigs. SO FANCY! And the people were so nice, treating me like I was special because I’m “Bobby’s daughter that just turned 16 and should sing here sometime.”.. Hah. Headed to San Bruno to spend time with Mom and Coline’s fam, always nice of course. Watched Mr. Popper’s Penguins, which is adorable by the way!
Yeah. Looking forward to spending the day in SF and SJ with OG Bestfriend, Dad & Grace. :)
Despite the crazy shit later in the day, I had a wonderful morning. Just hearing your voice before you sleep makes me feel so much better. I can’t thank you enough for dealing with me on my bad nights and still keeping me level headed in the end.
Stop telling me that I’m supposed to have “something to do” during the summer. Makes me sound like I don’t know what I’m doing in my life. You don’t understand what I have planned for myself, do you? I know how to be productive and I can take advantage of it whenever I want. I don’t need you to tell me every second of the day that there’s always more ways to condemn myself in pointless activities. When the life lesson comes, I’ll fuckin’ learn it myself.
I’m fine not associating myself with you, even if it means letting go of what was once a true friendship. I’m tired of being put on the spot and always taking the blame because you can’t stand up for yourself. I don’t think it’s worth it anymore; and apparently neither do you. Sorry you couldn’t fake it out long enough so that no one got hurt, I guess.
Who’s tryna take me shopping though? I miss walking around Santana Row & Westfield in San Jose; I haven’t been there in forever. ): And if not, I wanna go thrifting. Or to the huge flea market in SJ too.. Gah!
If only I could go tomorrow. Because when I get home to an empty house at night, I shall be sad and lonely. LOL. And I might just watch a shitload of movies online like I’ve been wanting to. Oh, summer.
I love it when people ask about you. I love telling them how happy you make me, simply because I haven’t felt this way in such a long time. Gah. I wish you were awake so I could ignore all of these instigators. LOL, kidding. But I miss you. Kbye.