try me.

The sooner I get away from this place, the sooner I know I’ll have to come back..

When I’m not sure on how to feel or what to say, but the last thing I want to do is leave you. And when I force myself to pull away, I end up feeling like shit right after. 

I can’t sleep, either.

I can slowly drift off into a deep sleep tonight, listening for the raindrops lightly tapping my window. The weather tends to affect my mood, both in a good and bad way. Today, it wiped me out with it’s never ending rainfall and freezing air. I miss the sun, and I hate being sick.

Something about these past few weeks have almost completely drained me of my existence. Starting tomorrow afternoon, stress from school will finally disappear from my life for a while. I still think Spring Break is too early this year, but I really think we all deserve it. I’m tired of having this “fuck school” mentality because I’ve become so fed up and exhausted. Ah, goodness. I can survive tomorrow. I have to. 

Such a long day. 10 hours, 4 ensembles, 12 songs. My voice is so worn out, I’m definitely not looking forward to school tomorrow or Friday.

I just want to sleep and wake up for tour.

Although I’m going through the day without much sleep, I had lovely dreams of you that I didn’t forget. I recall the conversations we had the night before, how wonderful they were. These are the times where you really do make me so happy, and I start my mornings with a smile on my face. I wait for the day I’m able to fall asleep and wake up beside you, but it’s just fine. Thank you for being you. <3

I could inhale your scent all day.

Mm.

Your name was brought up in conversation today. I was a little thrown off because I didn’t know so many people were aware of our past, not that it’s much of one. It made me think back, though. I still wonder why things happened the way they did, because I feel like we left it hanging.

But it’s over with now, right? We’re all good, and we’ve never been anything less. You seem happier, and we actually talk a lot more than before. I guess that’s just you. You never really change, no matter what happens around you over time; I love it. You deserve the best, trust me.

Things will get better between us. Maybe you’ll truly acknowledge my greetings. Maybe you won’t just give a shy smile or wave then look away. Maybe you’ll start the conversation for once. Maybe you’ll remember the relationship we once had, and maybe you’ll want it back as much as I do. I suppose you haven’t actually forgotten about us. I hope you haven’t.

Maybe we won’t be so awkward, and maybe we can build the friendship that existed before such a mess had been created. Maybe I can honestly tell you how much I’ve felt so empty without you in my life, and maybe everything will fall back into place.

I miss you, a lot.

Simply adorable.

For my English assignment, I had to interview my dad about what he would take if he was forced to leave home without knowing where he was going, and all of his belongings could only weigh up to 20 pounds.

The first thing he said was, “What if my guitar won’t fit in my suitcase?”

Oh, how I love him<3

I’m so tired of this inconsistent bullshit you give me. There’s no point in voicing it to you. I never know what to expect, and the wait is just unbearable. You’re my taste of bittersweet; as if the happiness I feel when it all works out makes up for how conflicted I am when everything is unclear. I hate it, I love it. What am I supposed to do with you? I can ask you a million times, and you still wouldn’t have an answer for me. 
You already know how I feel, what I can and what I would do.. And yet, we remain unchanged. 

I won’t let myself give up on you, even when I should. 

I must admit that I do feel insecure.

I still believe there is strength and confidence, but for some reason my reality has become so unstable. I keep to myself now, more often than I should. I hate admitting such feelings, because I honestly don’t think anyone else’s opinion will do anything but destruct me more than my own thoughts already have. They’re unbearable, these thoughts; worse than the ones that steal sleep from my eyes every night. All throughout the day, these worries conflict my focus in school and with friends, changing the way I look and act. The more I try to push them away, the more overwhelming they become.

I hate it.

Girl, who said you had the right to be instigatin’? Don’t think you can stare me down and pretend like you’re not trying to start some unnecessary drama. Your opinion doesn’t matter to me, especially when your claim is completely wrong. Mind your own damn business, and be glad I decided not to waste my time confronting you. 

DAY FIVE: A song that is often stuck in your head.

Well, considering that I’ve spent weeks of my life singing and dancing to them, most songs that are stuck in my head are from the Monarch Mirage Show Choir set this year…

x_x

There’s no need to announce your drama to the whole world. Asking for advice doesn’t mean you have to go around and pour out your life story to everyone. Keep it to yourself and trust those who are worth it. You’ll be helping yourself out.

To really take the time and fully absorb and think through everything that’s been happening lately. All I’ve been prioritizing is Show Choir and my advanced classes. And honestly, I’m failing Chemistry. It’s my fault, too. Walters was so close to not signing my permission slip on Friday because I have a 54% -___- What worries me is that I’ll always have that mentality of “sleep now, cram later” for that class. I know I won’t fail for the quarter, but it makes a difference when he doesn’t tell me, or anyone really, if and when they’re in danger of failing. What good does that do me?

And everything else that counts as drama and emotions; I’ve kinda been trying to avoid it and go with whatever. I can’t handle anymore excuses, silences, tensions and unnecessary bullshit of that sort. I really can’t. I’ll always care, but I won’t always have the power to do something about it. So many things have changed over a short amount of time. I changed, people changed, relationships changed, overall morale changed, everything and anything in between. And there’s not really much to do but sit and deal with it all.

I just want to get this year over with.

Despite all the recent stress and breakdowns from the past week, my weekend turned out way better than I expected.

I actually got to stop by at Paddy’s for Open Mic after rehearsal on Friday. Saw a huge mix of people I hadn’t seen in so long, got some coffee (that John spilled..), listened to talented performers; I didn’t sing, heh. I was planning on it before, but my voice was shot and I really wasn’t feeling it. Went outside to chill with Niko, ended up jamming with Kelvin and Sami as well. Yes, I knew I recognized people when I saw them.. I just didn’t say anything. :3 Got a ride with Geena after it was over, ko’d in the car and woke up in Castro Valley at the ice creamery. I was mind fucked, haha. Shared food with Nessa, got home around midnight.

Saturday, I woke up from my 6 hour sleep to get ready for CMEA Solo/Ensemble Festival, which I must congratulate everyone on! I’m so proud of all the performers from Mt. Eden, we really did beast on all of our songs. It was a long day, but I went home with relief and satisfaction knowing that my Chamber, Women’s Chamber, Sophomore Women and Solo performances all got Superior ratings. :D Ahh, just so proud. And glad it’s finally over, lol. Something less to stress about. Dad took me out to Naked Fish, happily ate my unagi and sashimi, then headed home to take a nap. Woke up, showered, got picked up to go to Nessa’s, had fun shit, didn’t sleep; and the next thing you know I’m back at school for rehearsal again.

Today went well for Monarch Mirage. We’ve ran the show pretty consistently and now we have the band. Though there’s still conflicting feelings about going to Hart, I know we’ll be fine and the trip will be a good experience no matter what. I know it. And now I’m home, reading about the Holocaust that I actually really want to learn about, and hopefully getting off to get a good night’s sleep.

My life is quite alright.

• Pay $25 hotel fee for HART
• Pay $8 for garment bag
• Finish bejeweling jacket for Empire
• Fix the purple embroidery on yellow top
• Remind Linda to bring back the pink skirt in time for alterations
• Ask Mrs. Cook about Chambers jacket (red bolero)
• Attempt the consistent 1 hour biographical essay for CAHSEE practice
• Makeup shitloads of Alg2 homework
• FIND NEWS ARTICLES.
• DO NEWS REPORTS. (12, 13 and 14)
• Do 13.4 Standards Assessment
• Read Goodnight, Beautiful for SSR
• Attempt to hold a Sophomore Ensemble rehearsal before Friday; meaning tomorrow -___-
• Plan and prepare outfits for all CMEA ensembles
• Hopefully go to Open Mic on Friday. *crosses fingers

I believe I am capable! ..And even if I’m not, it all has to be done eventually; so I must suck it up and do my best.

COME AT ME, BRO.

I spent almost an hour just sitting and crying, yelling and letting all of this pressure explode. I cried and cried, hyperventilating between sentences, between the small things my dad had to say. 

I guess he talked to his girlfriend, Grace, like he always does and told her. A few minutes ago I received a 3-part text message, a forward from my dad. 

“FWD: You cant control what happens to you but,  you can control your attitude towards what happens to you.  And in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing  it, to master you!  Im here for you and my hugs are free with no judgement,  even if you need silence i am always here to  listen.  you got this girl!  this  is just  preparation for the greatness  that  is about to merge, and that’s you!  Grace;)”

She is too sweet. It makes me wonder sometimes.