I can slowly drift off into a deep sleep tonight, listening for the raindrops lightly tapping my window. The weather tends to affect my mood, both in a good and bad way. Today, it wiped me out with it’s never ending rainfall and freezing air. I miss the sun, and I hate being sick.
Something about these past few weeks have almost completely drained me of my existence. Starting tomorrow afternoon, stress from school will finally disappear from my life for a while. I still think Spring Break is too early this year, but I really think we all deserve it. I’m tired of having this “fuck school” mentality because I’ve become so fed up and exhausted. Ah, goodness. I can survive tomorrow. I have to.
Although I’m going through the day without much sleep, I had lovely dreams of you that I didn’t forget. I recall the conversations we had the night before, how wonderful they were. These are the times where you really do make me so happy, and I start my mornings with a smile on my face. I wait for the day I’m able to fall asleep and wake up beside you, but it’s just fine. Thank you for being you. <3
Your name was brought up in conversation today. I was a little thrown off because I didn’t know so many people were aware of our past, not that it’s much of one. It made me think back, though. I still wonder why things happened the way they did, because I feel like we left it hanging.
But it’s over with now, right? We’re all good, and we’ve never been anything less. You seem happier, and we actually talk a lot more than before. I guess that’s just you. You never really change, no matter what happens around you over time; I love it. You deserve the best, trust me.
DAY EIGHT: A song that reminds you of your “first love”.
Ohp. This is awkward and I can’t stop giggling to myself. But it’s okay.
I always smile, looking back and hearing this song. It reminds me of Paul Mateo, and how he was my longest and most memorable relationship I’ve had. Yes, we were young and a little stupid; it was 8th grade and Freshman year, what do you expect? But we were together for a year, and there isn’t anything I regret from being in a relationship with him. It was great, if you ask me.
This song reminds me of him because..LOL sorry this is so weird, kinda embarrassing. But uh, so, there was this one day during the summer before Freshman year (I think), and we were just chillen at Borders, passing time like always. We were talking about random stuff, and I think somehow Step Brothers came up, and he told me how much he loved this song. He started playing it on his phone and sang along to it like crazy, haha. Then out of nowhere, he grabbed me by the hand and pulled me up on my feet. Next thing I know, we were dancing in the middle of Borders to this song, laughing and making fools out of ourselves, not giving a damn.
Yeah, I know. We were cute, hahaha.
Back in the day, though. Gotta love it. HI PAUL, IF YOU READ THIS, SORRY IF IT’S WEIRD. But it feels good to reminisce.
Things will get better between us. Maybe you’ll truly acknowledge my greetings. Maybe you won’t just give a shy smile or wave then look away. Maybe you’ll start the conversation for once. Maybe you’ll remember the relationship we once had, and maybe you’ll want it back as much as I do. I suppose you haven’t actually forgotten about us. I hope you haven’t.
Maybe we won’t be so awkward, and maybe we can build the friendship that existed before such a mess had been created. Maybe I can honestly tell you how much I’ve felt so empty without you in my life, and maybe everything will fall back into place.
Choir is more than you think it is. Not just singing, but commitment and dedication. People are welcoming, but many are easy to judge and criticize from experience/ignorance; and sometimes that’s what people need. But I’m friendly, LOL. And majority of others will open up to you, especially if you’re a kickass person. We love newcomers though, and it’s a group effort to help everyone improve. FAMILY. <3
(But past all that serious business, we also happen to be a group of crazy bitches that like to sing & party.)
DAY SEVEN: A song that reminds you of the past summer.
Very self explanatory. This song was literally last year’s anthem for summer. Props to Katy Perry for making such repetitive, catchy (yet sometimes annoying) songs. Reminds me of crazy car rides with friends, of shopping trips, of lazy days, of random adventures, of freshman year, of Tahoe with Amanda, of James Vu & Sarah Jane Punzal, LOL, and of the sun I’ve been missing for way too long now. I NEED MY SUMMER </3
For my English assignment, I had to interview my dad about what he would take if he was forced to leave home without knowing where he was going, and all of his belongings could only weigh up to 20 pounds.
The first thing he said was, “What if my guitar won’t fit in my suitcase?”
I’m so tired of this inconsistent bullshit you give me. There’s no point in voicing it to you. I never know what to expect, and the wait is just unbearable. You’re my taste of bittersweet; as if the happiness I feel when it all works out makes up for how conflicted I am when everything is unclear. I hate it, I love it. What am I supposed to do with you? I can ask you a million times, and you still wouldn’t have an answer for me. You already know how I feel, what I can and what I would do.. And yet, we remain unchanged.
I still believe there is strength and confidence, but for some reason my reality has become so unstable. I keep to myself now, more often than I should. I hate admitting such feelings, because I honestly don’t think anyone else’s opinion will do anything but destruct me more than my own thoughts already have. They’re unbearable, these thoughts; worse than the ones that steal sleep from my eyes every night. All throughout the day, these worries conflict my focus in school and with friends, changing the way I look and act. The more I try to push them away, the more overwhelming they become.
DAY SIX: A song that reminds you of a best friend.
This song definitely reminds me of Geena Ballesteros. In the 6th grade, we became friends because of a book I told her about, and we started talking more often. From then, it was more books, then songs, then plans to hang out, and we got closer every day. I think it was over the summer when we first were so obsessed with this song, and I have no idea why. We would call each other whenever we heard it on the radio, like it was our anthem or something, haha. It’s one of my earliest memories from our friendship and sometimes I still call her up when I hear it.
I miss this girl a lot. We’ve drifted so much since middle school, and though I still have her back and she’s got mine, it’s never the same. We’re both busy with a million other different things, and it’s been way too long since we’ve had a real kickit. Hopefully it will all fall back into place sooner or later, ‘cause honestly I feel a little lost without her, even when she’s around.
Girl, who said you had the right to be instigatin’? Don’t think you can stare me down and pretend like you’re not trying to start some unnecessary drama. Your opinion doesn’t matter to me, especially when your claim is completely wrong. Mind your own damn business, and be glad I decided not to waste my time confronting you.
There’s no need to announce your drama to the whole world. Asking for advice doesn’t mean you have to go around and pour out your life story to everyone. Keep it to yourself and trust those who are worth it. You’ll be helping yourself out.
To really take the time and fully absorb and think through everything that’s been happening lately. All I’ve been prioritizing is Show Choir and my advanced classes. And honestly, I’m failing Chemistry. It’s my fault, too. Walters was so close to not signing my permission slip on Friday because I have a 54% -___- What worries me is that I’ll always have that mentality of “sleep now, cram later” for that class. I know I won’t fail for the quarter, but it makes a difference when he doesn’t tell me, or anyone really, if and when they’re in danger of failing. What good does that do me?
And everything else that counts as drama and emotions; I’ve kinda been trying to avoid it and go with whatever. I can’t handle anymore excuses, silences, tensions and unnecessary bullshit of that sort. I really can’t. I’ll always care, but I won’t always have the power to do something about it. So many things have changed over a short amount of time. I changed, people changed, relationships changed, overall morale changed, everything and anything in between. And there’s not really much to do but sit and deal with it all.
Self explanatory, not the only one that does this for me, but the first one that popped into my head. I could lie in bed and put this song on repeat for hours, just to breathe and stare into space; lose myself within her voice and my own.
Despite all the recent stress and breakdowns from the past week, my weekend turned out way better than I expected.
I actually got to stop by at Paddy’s for Open Mic after rehearsal on Friday. Saw a huge mix of people I hadn’t seen in so long, got some coffee (that John spilled..), listened to talented performers; I didn’t sing, heh. I was planning on it before, but my voice was shot and I really wasn’t feeling it. Went outside to chill with Niko, ended up jamming with Kelvin and Sami as well. Yes, I knew I recognized people when I saw them.. I just didn’t say anything. :3 Got a ride with Geena after it was over, ko’d in the car and woke up in Castro Valley at the ice creamery. I was mind fucked, haha. Shared food with Nessa, got home around midnight.
Saturday, I woke up from my 6 hour sleep to get ready for CMEA Solo/Ensemble Festival, which I must congratulate everyone on! I’m so proud of all the performers from Mt. Eden, we really did beast on all of our songs. It was a long day, but I went home with relief and satisfaction knowing that my Chamber, Women’s Chamber, Sophomore Women and Solo performances all got Superior ratings. :D Ahh, just so proud. And glad it’s finally over, lol. Something less to stress about. Dad took me out to Naked Fish, happily ate my unagi and sashimi, then headed home to take a nap. Woke up, showered, got picked up to go to Nessa’s, had fun shit, didn’t sleep; and the next thing you know I’m back at school for rehearsal again.
Today went well for Monarch Mirage. We’ve ran the show pretty consistently and now we have the band. Though there’s still conflicting feelings about going to Hart, I know we’ll be fine and the trip will be a good experience no matter what. I know it. And now I’m home, reading about the Holocaust that I actually really want to learn about, and hopefully getting off to get a good night’s sleep.
DAY THREE: A song that reminds me of one/both of your parents.
If I explain too much about this, I’d probably be a softie and start crying..haha. This reminds me of both my mom and my dad, just because they influenced me so much through jazz, classic rock, rock, alternative, pop, old R&B, from the 50’s to the 90’s, and everything else when I was younger, before I got into my own music. But they’re both especially huge, huuuuge Beatles fans, and my mom has a forever crush on Paul McCartney.
When they were still together, this song was just the general thing to mess around with in the living room when my dad would play that first A before the huge 7th chord on the piano, and we’d all sing loud and crazy ‘til it was over. I loved it, and my dad and I still do shit like that now. So yeah, I could name a million other songs that remind me of them, both separate and together, but this one tops it.
DAY TWO: A song that reminds you of your most recent ex boyfriend.
Don’t be thrown off by the title! It would make more sense if you listened/knew it already. This song just reminds me of him because he always said it was one of his favorites, and during those late night phone calls we’d make a promise (that was rarely kept, LOL) to sing to each other before we slept. This was the one I was reluctant to do the most because he knew it so well. But yeah, good times. (:
I spent almost an hour just sitting and crying, yelling and letting all of this pressure explode. I cried and cried, hyperventilating between sentences, between the small things my dad had to say.
I guess he talked to his girlfriend, Grace, like he always does and told her. A few minutes ago I received a 3-part text message, a forward from my dad.
"FWD: You cant control what happens to you but, you can control your attitude towards what happens to you. And in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it, to master you! Im here for you and my hugs are free with no judgement, even if you need silence i am always here to listen. you got this girl! this is just preparation for the greatness that is about to merge, and that’s you! Grace;)"