Haha, she’ll probably never see this and she’d probably hate me for putting “Punky” instead of “Soleil.” But you know.
I spent most of my day with her for the sponsor meeting during Confirmation class today. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her, I almost forgot how chill it was to just have conversations with her and laugh about everything. It was a whole bonding thing, you could say. We talked about people, about recent life and the way things are. We talked about family, about our insane relatives and all the stupid drama that goes on within the aunties.
And though I can tell that she’s so quick to judge others by appearance in public, I’m glad she accepts me and understands part of my little quirks that she’s seen in just a short amount of time. It’s crazy that she’s gotten so much older and more mature. It seems like just yesterday she was still in high school, and now I’m in that position while she’s off with her job and being successful.
It was fun, spending time with her today. Like another older sister I never had.
Is becoming rebellious, angry and careless energy.
I feel determined, then I suddenly start to get frustrated and angry that I have to overwork myself. Is it worth getting to where I want to be? The answer is yes, but my mind begins to hate dealing with reality and not being able to have control of everything.
I feel myself stressing over things that I should just relax about. Whooooosa.
I can’t quite put it into words, how I feel about you; how I feel about what has happened of our relationship in such a short amount of time. So many things have changed.. I’m so careful in choosing my words and how I act when I’m around you. It’s dangerous, what we’ve become. But I remind you and myself that I am no fool to create more problems than the ones that exist now. I just wish things were a little less complicated.
I’m sick and I have no appetite. All I had today was half a burrito from La Vic’s and soup. Nothing looks or tastes good, so I don’t eat. I sleep, I sit, I cough, I sneeze, I attempt being productive and fail. I hate it when my dad yells at me for doing that. Like, shit. What do you want me to do, force myself to eat and throw it all up?
I can’t sing, either. I kept dying during Chambers this morning and after school during Show Choir. I can’t do much when my lungs insist on making their way out of my body. It’s not like anyone is really trying to make progress. (Except for today.) Dessert Theatre is just gonna feel like nothing, I can’t help it.
And you’re still pestering my mind. Where are you? Why is shit happening like this? Why won’t you say anything? Why do I even bother asking?
Though I’m taking a test in the afternoon that I’m not ready for, I’m so glad I’m not waking up for school tomorrow. I’m tired of most of the sorry motherfuckers there anyway.
I’ve been dreaming about you lately. You appear in unexpected places, at unexpected times. I don’t know what it tells me, but in both real life and in my unconscious you continue to make yourself closer to me. It’s a little confusing, really.
It was hideous and freezing outside today, I hated it so much. I’m already sick and I wasn’t aware that the wind was going to be crazy and the temperature would drop a million degrees.
A lot of things were going through my mind, thoughts about the weekend, thoughts about you, thoughts about when I would be able to come home, thoughts about why I even came to school in the first place, thoughts about the Hallmark bullshit of Valentine’s Day and the point that loving one another shouldn’t just be celebrated once. I mean, goodness. I was about to shoot everyone during 4th period as well, just because people can be so damn stupid. If I have to deal with that sub for the rest of the semester I’m just going to crawl in a corner and shun the world.
And once again, those expectations not relevant to reality came upon me, and I was slightly on the verge of breaking down and exploding about everything. But it’s not like you really care, apparently. You showed that enough today, I guess. I’d call you an asshole but at this point it doesn’t even matter.
Now I’m home, munching on Thin Mints and attempting to start homework on this lonely night. Dad’s out with Grace, which is actually pretty cute.
Happy Valentine’s Day, mother fuckers. I hope your day was wonderful <3
Dear, hip-hop.. I’m writing inform you i’m going to have to end our relationship, I know in the beginning I was down to work them hips, but i was tricked. Seduced by your beat, see you had me for three minutes and fourty-six seconds I was suspended in time, but when I snapped out of it I had to ask “did I hear what I though I did in that last rhyme?” Now forgive me, maybe I’m getting old or maybe I’m just slow cause I didn’t know you could say “bitch” on the raido. But I was entranced by that beat I’ve heard somewhere before. Oh, I remember that was the original score. Now unless I’m dreaming I could have swore, right after you called me a “bitch” you called someone else a whore, and at this point I’m trying to process a few things.. What were the original words to that song and you want me to do what with my thong? And I’m trippin’ cause nobody is acting like anything is wrong. After all the anthem for the new millennium was “big pimpin”. And it all seems a bit surreal, cuz when I was dancing around I didn’t know the damage my soul was going to feel. And there are times I’m still compelled to move, but I swear to you it’s that old school groove that plays above the lyrics, beacuse if the music wasn’t there I definitely wouldn’t hear it! I thought Hip Hop was supposed to be a means of poetically expressing yourself but it seems these days you’d say anything to get your C.Ds off the shelf. So let’s toast with champagne and good blunts for your health, but first…tell me why?“Every other video, brotha’s gotta be a gigolo” and you show your respect by pouring beer for the homie who’s dead. Then pour the rest of the forty over some females head, and what’s crazier than that she doesn’t seem to mind, but if you look past her ass deep into her eyes you might find, a hint of surprise, cause she didn’t realize, the camera shot would be between her thighs, and she furthers the lie, as she tries to deny, pretending like its okay. As she just gave a piece of her self-esteem away, and it aired nine times on MTV today, and all of that for little to know pay, but “He’s a hustler baby and he told you so, and when he’s through you’re a video ho.” And I’m trying to make it in this business so I’ve stood in those high heel shoes you know? Now, when I go to the club I see a sea of young women with fake diamonds bouncing around their waist with too little clothes on her body and too much make-up on her face singing, “Ándele Ándele mami E.I. E.I. uh oh.” Were you that ho? Was I that ho? Or do we all need to spiritually grow? Does anyone know what E.I E.I. stands for anyway?
I saw an old man crossing the street with a single rose in his hand, cane in the other. It pulled at my heartstrings to see him walking so slowly, going out in the middle of the day to buy a rose that was probably for his wife on Valentine’s Day.
Yee. I came home from Golden State feeling like shit, physically. But I still wanted to go, so I just took a nap then some aspirin for my fever. Got dressed, waited for Gee and we were out.
I didn’t really know what to expect, but it was more crowded than I thought it would be. All the couple pictures were so damn cute, augh! Hahaha. And the dancefloor was pretty crackin’ if you knew how to have fun with it, even if the songs stopped the energy flow sometimes.
Today was amazing. I woke up not feeling well, and throughout the day I’m pretty sure I had a fever. But I swear, when we went up to sing, I had the biggest adrenaline rush and all the dizzy, hot/cold flashes went away. I’m so proud of us! (!!!!!!!!) I’m so glad all our hard work paid off, and that we get to host next year so Women’s Choir can compete. Our performance was really our best, and I guess that’s what did it for us. I loved taking a shitload of KAKA pictures on instagram, haha. And the trophy, though. I loved holding hands with everyone and feeling the intensity as they called out placing. When San Ramon got called for 2nd, I was already freaking out. FIRST PLACE, AH. AHHHHH.