I overheard you say my name earlier to another person, and I already know what the conversation was about. You even tried to hide it when I walked by. I swear, you are so awesome and I love that we’re becoming close. But I’m not trying to get myself into a bigger mess than I already have.
You say all of these negative things about what has become of our relationship, altering reality so that it is in your favor. What you’ve missed is that it’s all in your mind, convincing yourself to turn against the one person who pulled through the fight that was never fair.
I love that you tell me you’re mine. It makes me happy, and I woudn’t want it any other way. But how long will it take for you to let go and allow the world to know as well? We’re always stuck. It’s always “I don’t know” and “it’s okay.” Why do I find myself frustrated and moping more than I am content and smiling?
I hate these obligations. I don’t like being in this position, and it is taking way too much out of me to get used to. Why do I sacrifice my time when I’m never happy when I see you? I sometimes wish I could shut this part of my life out for everyone’s own good, but I won’t.
It will take much more to change how I feel. I’m sorry.
Will there ever be a time when you aren’t so conscious about the people around you? In general, or whatever the circumstance is; it’s always so hard for you to let it go and just go with how you’re feeling. Why should their opinion matter? It’s me, and it’s you. It’s us, so get used to it.
Why is it that I try a little more everyday to make things right with you again, yet you always seem to brush me off? Yes, I see you. Our eyes meet and I make a clear attempt to say hello, or I give you a friendly smile. What do I receive in return? A quick second of a blank look, the awkward tension of suspense, then the disappointment of you turning away and acting like you didn’t see a thing.
I wouldn’t want to call you out as rude, but I can’t help but be so frustrated. It’s irritating, seeing you try so hard to look like you don’t care about me. Maybe you don’t, and if you ever told that to my face I would accept it. As long as it is the truth and you have the courage to tell me how you feel, I won’t ever judge against you. I admit that I want to work at gaining our relationship back because of the things I’ve done in the past; but that doesn’t mean you can treat me the way you do now.
But, hey. I guess you got what you wanted all along.
I know you can’t help it, but I just don’t know how to react anymore. Over the phone, in person; it never ends. How do you expect me to hold a conversation with you? To visit you and see you in person? I can’t handle being around you for more than a few hours. It’s the truth, and I’m sorry. But when the only thing you can do is cry for attention whenever I’m there, it gives me more of a reason to push away and stay away. I can’t express how much I just want you to be happy.
I admit that you give me stress when we’re together. I love you, I do. And I know you love me, too. But this situation gets our relationship deeper into a vast space of emptiness, and there isn’t anything to do about it. I can’t be around you anymore and you will never understand. It’s okay, but..really.
Those eyes, that body. That beautifully angled face and perfectly imperfect hair. That devilish smile and the butterflies that storm like crazy from just one look. I bite my lip and my face flushes. You smile as you look away, and I am unable to contain the tempts of infatuation building up inside me. The things I want to do, I would; but they would not be acceptable if we were not alone. Oh, how I crave.
You draw me in without warning. It’s incredibly sexy yet unfair, all at the same time. Mm.
is that I do all I can to make up for the little things I do that upset you. I’m sorry I mess up every now and then. Yet, you remain unchanged after all this time, repeating the same actions that pain me the most on a daily basis.
Well, unless it’s some fancy A-line with nice layers and bangs that work with my thick hair, and doesn’t make my cheeks look chubbier than they really are. Hah! But I don’t have the time, the money, or the balls for that. Nor do I really want it.
You will feel rested tomorrow morning. The weather will be wonderful. You will be productive. You will not let anyone get in your way. You will help someone with a problem. You will smile, laugh, sing and dance. You will eat good food. The week is almost over. You know how to handle this daily life. You have amazing, loving and hilarious friends who will keep you sane. You will grow as a person with yet another day in your life experience.
You are beautiful and every single day is your day. Keep on keepin’ on.
that I will never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Countless opportunities have been spent trying to prove myself; to be the best I can be for you, and to prove that you will always be worth my time.
But you must realize that I am human, just as you are. Among these opportunities I will also make countless mistakes. In this, I hope that you are not one to number them as they go by.
He’s not the best looking guy out there, but I swear. The emotion he has in the way he moves is effortless. His dances tell stories like he was born to do it. And that swag when he walks into the room.. unf. Everything he does is just cute or something odd that only he can pull off and make it seem cool; like his headphones around his head or those questioning looks he gives when he’s trying to figure something out. The way he dresses, too! Shooot. I wouldn’t usually say something like ”swag” about a person but it just fits.
He’s not much taller than me, either. Very short. But Kriselle says we look like we could be related, so I guess that’s not much of an option.. INCEST. Plus, he’s like 25. Heh. :3
I feel like it’s too much to really open up to people nowadays. Especially girls, oh goodness. I just can’t. I find that when I “vent” to them, they sugarcoat the hell out of my situation and I never really get anywhere. Sometimes sugarcoating is good, and necessary when I’m in a bad place; just not when I’m looking for real advice. A lot of them have this need to not only listen to my stories but tell them to other people without my permission. Really now? They take words and twist them, misinterpreting the message I was trying to give off. I miss my real girls.
But when I talk things out with guys, it’s usually more chill and I get a lot out of my system because I just don’t care about how I say what I need to say. They won’t judge me in a negative way, and their responses usually give me more insight than anyone else can. They make me laugh, and in the end I feel better because a real homie just knows how to get that weight off your shoulders, you know?
As for those people I used to consider ones I was close to.. Yeah. Lost causes, most of them. I learned not to do much after a while, because trying to keep up with a dead relationship never seems to work out. Tough shit, but I deal with it by reminding myself that I can handle more on my own and I can go to someone else who has more of my trust.
I was a little surprised by the news I received today. It’s funny how quickly things change. I guess now the roles have been switched and you’re just another little something to think about at night. I would ask for details, but I won’t.