“For it is said that humans are never satisfied, that you give them one thing and they want something more. And this is said in disparagement, whereas it is one of the greatest talents the species has and one that has made it superior to animals that are satisfied with what they have.”—The Pearl by John Steinbeck
I’m really going to need my own privacy when it comes to using the computer. Right now, it’s in the kitchen. Yes, I understand your confusion. I had to get over it myself.
My dad chooses to place it here because the monitor is also used as a TV. Pretty big for a computer. Therefore, whenever I’m doing what I’m doing online, anyone who walks into the kitchen can CLEARLY see what’s happening. And they all just happen to ask about it and glance at the screen. Like, excuse me, but can you just mind your own business?
And on this computer, I have my own log-in. That’s great and all, but I can’t really do shit. I can’t download music for myself. Why? Because I’m not “administrator” or something. And because of this, my dad continues to yell at me for being on the computer when he wants to use it. All that. It’s pretty irritating, if you ask me.
There are so many things to look forward to. As much as I hate the daily dosage of dealing with school, I kind of miss it. The people, the atmosphere, the way we get used to starting a new year. I want to go, and just get the slow days of summer over with.
I can’t believe I feel so weary. Physically and mentally. I haven’t done much, and yet my eyes are tired, sickeningly droopy. I’ll have energy for anything else. Going out, seeing friends. Being out of the house. And maybe that’s what it is. Isolating myself in my home for too long gets my mind all jumbled up.
I hate being so indecisive. I don’t even know what I want right now, and I can’t believe that I’m missing you so much. I liked what happened with us, I do. And I can’t help but think about you so often. It’s almost annoying.
I wish I had an imagination that expanded further than what it is now. We all have our own sense of creativity, even if we don’t know it. For me, it either comes seldom in huge proportions when my mind is suddenly awakened with fresh ideas, or it comes slowly in tiny sprinkles of inspiration, where I can take the time to think upon it until it is worthy enough to be shared. I find it harder to come across ideas when I actually try to think about something I haven’t explored. The more spontaneous the thought, the better.
Most of the time, I get those tiny sprinkles at night when I lay thinking in bed. Aside from the distractions I receive from social networking and contacting other people, my mind stays active while pondering things I might not have thought about during the day. If you looked through the notes on my phone, many of my posts come from there. From my mind, and idea flows immediately to the tiny keyboard of my phone until there is nothing else I have left to say. As of now, I slowly touched on the fact that I usually don’t have a heavy flow of enriching ideas. They do come, but not as often as others.
When I look at you, I see you standing and looking for flaws. Your height, your weight, your hair, your face, your body. You’re not stunning and sexy and gorgeous, you’re just..okay. I’m glad you’ve learned to deal with it. In that way you’re beautiful.
But when you peel away the outside layers, you find things that are a little more personal. Your passions, your morals, your secrets, your fears. You are intelligent. You know how the difference between right and wrong, even when the choices you make show otherwise. You accept the fact that everyone is a hypocrite and a fake in some way, including yourself. You think hard about your emotions. Venting to other people is usually an option, but when things get to be too much, you keep things to yourself.
You’re afraid of unfamiliar things. When meeting new people, the only way to keep yourself comfortable is to be open and outgoing as possible. You want your first impressions to last. When intimidated, you blank out and stay quiet, doing whatever to please the other person. You love keeping others happy. Drama isn’t a thing for you. You turn it into deep thinking and ignorance. You hate stupid arguments and unnecessary issues. You can either be very pessimistic or very optimistic. Situations turn around and the way you react is sometimes unpredictable.
You never let yourself get below your own standards. You could care less about what people think when you don’t live up to what they want for you. But failing for reasons you know you could’ve avoided makes you disappointed and angry. You try hard to impress yourself. In this way, you get selfish on getting to where you want to be. You’re lazy and motivated at the same time, and being productive is something you need to work on. And sometimes, you just don’t care.
The people you are close to are never clear. You have friends and family that have different aspects in relationships that make you want to keep their bond as long as you can. You hate to see them hurt, and you will do anything to help someone out. Respect is always given, and trust is always earned. You’re hesitant to truly open yourself up to people you judge unworthy of your trust. When there is a problem, you’ll make it known to those that will help do something about it. You’re very forgiving, and at times it’s too much. You try not to take people for granted, but it happens.
Any form of romantic relationship is confusing for you now. The guys you become in contact with give you too many things to think about. You want someone to be with, but committing isn’t an option when you barely have time to keep up a relationship. You flirt. You like being cute and messing around. It gets you into stupid situations, and well, that’s just you. You’re only shy when things get too overwhelming and you can’t find words to say. You like keeping things alive, but sometimes feelings just fade and you don’t think you’re worth others being too emotionally attached to. Not for now, anyway.
You’re slowly becoming more intune with the certain talents you have. You take music and relate it to everything in your life. You’re starting to just sit at the piano and let things happen. You have a passion for choir and the people in it, and the dedication you put into it is indescribable. You like learning new things and you want to teach. You find inspiration in troubled students and in the future you want to change those people. You like to analyze things and take them up a level, no matter how difficult they get.
You’re weird. I mean, random and loud weird. You try to keep up conversations by stating things that may or may not be relevant to the situation. You sing, you dance, you yell and jump around. You need to be entertained. You love laughing and people who make you laugh, and you try to relate to whatever the other person is saying. You are genuinely kind when it comes to people you just met. You want them to know that it’s okay for them to talk to you and open up, for you’ll keep what they tell you in a safe place.
There’s plenty of other things that go into you being you. You’ve got flaws like any other human being, and you’re different, just like everyone else. As much as that contradicts everything, that’s the way you roll. I don’t know where life wants to take you right now, but whatever you’re doing, don’t stop.
The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to.
You’re better off not knowing a lot of things that I should really tell you, and it’s nothing personal. Most of the time I can handle myself, which is why I choose to tell you certain parts of what I really do. Little things. If I did tell you, I hope you would understand. I trust you and you trust me. That’s all that matters.
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
(skip.) I’m not in the mood to think if there is someone like that.
Someone that changed your life.
Dear Mrs. Schmidt,
As corny as this sounds, you are one of the people who truly changed my life. There are many others, but I choose to write to you because of the impact I’ve received from the years spent learning from you. I’ve always been into music, whether it was learning or listening myself. But in the 3rd grade, I immediately fell in love with your class, your teaching. You’re a hard-working mother and teacher. You are truly one of a kind. You taught me to be as musically inclined as I am currently, as well as performing, maturity, well-being, perserverance, and many, MANY other things. Since then, I made choir a huge part of my life, as it’s been for many years now. I can’t imagine my school years without it. I’ve dedicated myself to the bigger and better from this program, and there wouldn’t be such passion if it weren’t for you. Thank you so much. <3
It’s building up in me, this frustration and guilt. It is my fault, and I know it. I’m aware of my mistakes and and I’m bringing it upon myself to apologize. I don’t know how to say it. A lot of things have been crowding my mind, and suddenly things began to change all at once. All I know is that I’ve gotten a little more mature since the last time I encountered something like this. I wonder if you’re hurt, or if you’re just oblivious to what seems to be happening. If you are hurt, then I hope you’re someone who would understand, if you gave me the chance to explain.
I want to find the right words to say, and the right time to say them. I was blind, I was stupid. And I’m really, really sorry.
Especially today, after seeing how you trusted me with your emotions like that. I know we both almost saw something in the future about us, but I think I just want to build from where we are, get a stronger bond as friends.
But I do enjoy your presence. I love the way we can just talk about whatever. I love how real and caring you are. I love how you miss me when I miss you. I love how you’re so nice to me. I love how we can just mess around and it never matters. I love how you can make me smile even when you know I’m in a bad mood. I love your comfy hugs! Haha I love YOU, just not like that. You’re so awesome, I swear. And I’m lame, because I really want to be your best friend. I wish I could see you more often, you know? Close friends or whatever, I just hope this bond never breaks <3