Though it wasn’t the happiest of times, visiting my grandma all day on Christmas Eve was probably the best thing I’ve done in a while. They moved her to a cozier, less rigid hospital that was more of a rehabilitation center. Carpeted rooms, heated offices; it was nice. Together, my dad and I walked into Room 411 after circling the building many times, mistakingly searching for Room 207. (LOL, his fault.)
There she was, sitting upright in a chair next to Auntie Beth, dressed in regular tweed pants and a blue Grand Canyon sweatshirt. Greetings and hugs were exchanged, then the room was a little quieter. The rest of the day, my grandma questioned everything about where she was, what day it was, and where the rest of the family was staying. It was quite alright that she was starting to forget, for her age brings that burden upon her. But it was sad, seeing her worry and cry, knowing that she was in fact losing her memory.
She spoke in Tagalog most of the time, saying things like “I want to go home,” and “Where’s ______?” Today was an example of why I wish I spoke Tagalog fluently. I understand it, and my grandma understands English; but holding a conversation in different languages made everything a little harder to understand. Nonetheless, I’m just happy to see her functioning normally, without tubes or needles put into her body.
I guess we’ll keep this distance, then. No longer will I try and persuade you to keep the bond we used to have. If you refuse to even give the slightest effort in understanding, then I must accept it and give you what you want. Some may wonder why this loss has caused me so much pain, but that goes to show how much I valued you as a person, as a best friend. I’m sorry I can’t be happy like you told me to be.
hey! =) what do you want for christmas? lol nothing too expensive
Oh, let’s see. I’d love for my mom to just be happy, for my dad to finally receive what he deserves after all the hard work he puts into everything; for my grandma to come home from the hospital and for my aunts and uncles to stop threatening to kick each other out of their houses. I’d love for the past to stay the past. I’d love to be able to take away all the pain I’ve caused to people who are important to me. I’d love some clarity in my mind and this hideous feeling to disappear, for this is no way to be during the holiday season. I’d love it if my best friend was still my best friend. Yeah. Is that too much to ask?
hey! =) what do you want for christmas? lol nothing too expensive
Oh, let’s see. I’d love for my mom to just be happy, for my dad to finally receive what he deserves after all the hard work he puts into everything; for my grandma to come home from the hospital and for my aunts and uncles to stop threatening to kick each other out of their houses. I’d love for the past to stay the past. I’d love to be able to take away all the pain I’ve caused to people who are important to me. I’d love some clarity in my mind and this hideous feeling to disappear, for this is no way to be during the holiay season. I’d love it if my best friend was still my best friend. Yeah. Is that too much to ask?
Of an emptiness, that feeling of wanting to give up. Got no appetite, no reason to sleep. Regaining the anger, the pain, the will to fight; it fades once again as the outside world continues to cave in with harshness and the feeling of closure is an inch from disappearing.
That feeling where you can’t get it out of your head, where it’s driving you to the end of your wits until you feel your fingers grasp that phone and dial that number and wipe those stinging tears and build up those angry words about to burst from inside - but you breathe, and you stop. Nothing seems worth it anymore.
How easily any relationship can form, and how easily it can be broken. These human emotions aren’t meant to be toyed with. There are no set backs, no opportunities to rewire what is engraved in memory. Life should not be lived in regret, but there are times that this soul of mine cannot take in the things it sees, the things it feels. I shiver at this cold lack of resolvement. I am unable to place the past where it belongs. The harder I force myself to keep my eyes forward, the more often I find myself looking back. I am bitter.
If you have something to say, then grow up and do so. Every time I try and talk to you, you decide to brush me off and pretend that it doesn’t matter. You want to go and accuse without knowing the half of the story? Go ahead, asshole. Keep beating around the bush and purposely “hiding” things from me. You continue to judge and blow things out of proportion for no apparent reason. I’m tired of it.
It’s a tradition thing, I know. Even I used to make them, these promises to myself for the new year. But I don’t really feel that it makes much of a difference when you whip out a huge list of things that you want to change about yourself before the calendar changes. That’s like saying it took you a year to realize that you’re life isn’t the way you want it to be.
Why not improve overall? Don’t wait 365 days to make a fresh start. Do it on a daily basis, every morning when you wake up. “Same shit, different day” excuses won’t get you anywhere.
Third time’s a charm; I had a feeling this spark of emotions would fire up again. In an instant, a history of “almost” and “I miss you” unloaded off of our chests. It only took one night, but things are slowly forming like they did before. I always love talking to you, but like I said, I’m not sure of what your intentions are. But you know how I feel, and I know how you feel. We just can’t decide what’s best, hm?
Another lost cause; As for you, I feel like you and I stopped trying to keep what we have..or had. It pains me to know that this outcome is what you wanted for us because of some stupid, selfish reasons. And though we may act like nothing has changed, I can’t help but sit and mourn over the never-ending drift that exists between us now. You really don’t understand, do you? I am not capable of letting such an important person slip away. Please don’t be the one to make it so.
Aside from the past; You’re new. You’re charming and I enjoy your company. People may look down on me for “moving on too fast”, but I realized from someone that being caught up on the past isn’t the greatest place to be if it doesn’t do you any good. I hope something good comes out of getting closer to you.
Of course I fought. Of course I gave all that effort to keep us alive. Why? Because, for the record, I don’t just bullshit these kinds of situations. Don’t blame me for changing your attitude. I’m just going along with whatever act you’re putting on.
I really thought we had some kind of understanding here. Apparently, you just don’t understand.
I’ll be spending Christmas day at the hospital in Vallejo to see my Grandma during the visiting hours. 1-5 PM is what my dad told me. After, I’ll head over to my cousin’s house in San Bruno to be with my mom and her side of the family. On the 26th, I’ll be all dressed up and fancy to celebrate Christmas and my Auntie Nancy’s birthday with my dad’s side at some nice hotel across the bay. There, they will probably make me sing and we’ll dance and eat and pray for the coming-home of my Grandma.
I’ll do my best to be genuinely happy and cheery for these events, but it’s a little hard considering that it’s the first year I’ll be going to holiday parties when my parents are separated. In fact, I already know that my dad’s girlfriend will be at the Christmas party on the 26th. Oh well, I guess.
It’s weird, wrapping gifts for the younger kids this year. On the labels, I write “To, _____; Love, Ate Audrey” because I don’t know if I should write “Love, Ate Audrey, Auntie Connie, and Uncle Bobby”. It’s not like they’ll see both of them together over the holiday. Why bother?
And maybe it’s the fact that my Grandma still won’t be home by then. On the 26th, we’ll all be suited up, dressed up and proper in a beautiful party atmosphere while my Grandma will be in the rehabilitation center with no more than check-ins from my older relatives. How am I supposed to act?