try me.

Me morning after graduation: COME AT ME, LIFE
Me any other time: Wait I’m not ready 5 more minutes or weeks or years

Here’s to a late night post during the summer. I remember when I used to stay up past 2, 3AM sneaking on the desktop in the kitchen just to stay on Tumblr when all my friends still obsessed over it. Haha.
I suppose I can consider myself a high school alumnus, or maybe still just a graduate for now. So many things changed over senior year, whether about myself, people close to me, the things I love and the things I thought I knew. Here I am just freshly into the summer before my first year in college, aware of all the “real life” shit that will hit me sooner and faster than I expect, yet so much of me just wants to lay down and relax until I’m mentally prepared for it all. I never thought I’d have that day where I would sit and reflect on high school, counting down a list of people I simply wish I got to know better before graduation. It’s hit me, but I have a feeling I won’t realize the separation and odd alone time until much later. Not sure if I’ll even be that upset, haha.
I suppose that I’m still worried for what the future holds for us. It’s barely the beginning and I can tell how changes are gonna affect everything, I just need to prepare myself, force myself to get used to it earlier. Do what I gotta do. It’s not like there were any surprises, so I just gotta suck it up and focus on what matters.
I really wish I had my license. People always say that, but fuckin a I’m already 18, lol. Lord knows I would’ve been on that years ago if I actually had any sort of time to dedicate myself to it. Choir is and now was my life, yet now that I have all the time in the world it’s a little overwhelming deciding what to do with it when there’s so many things that need to be done.
I don’t think my sleeping habits will ever be normal during the summer. It literally took me one night after graduation for me to fuck it up, and I’m sitting waiting to be sleepy at 1AM.
woo~

brb sleeping all my problems away

I just wish you actually understood how important these things are to me.

You deserve to be loved.

I’ve never been so ready to get up and leave it all. As naive as it may sound, I know I can learn how to handle things better once I have the opportunity to be away for a while. I can come back wiser than the fool I am now; experience the mistakes I’m bound to make and learn from them. Playing it safe and locking myself in this life has shown me how much more I need to grow. There are so many boundaries that influence the way I see myself and I know that none of it is good enough. The only things holding me back are the people that I love and have cherished for such a long part of my life. But this feeling of being trapped and lost can’t stay forever.

They say you get the most out of learning the hard way. Come at me.

Knowing I could cause the same struggle he experienced to a loved one is quite the risk, especially since I can’t control it.

w h y

Wake up, sing, work, sing, eat, sing, work, die down, sing, eat, work, sleep, work, die down, sleep, wake up.
How to explain in what ways I’ve already mentally checked out, how I’m here but I’m waiting. Waiting for better, for different, for clearer and more easing to the body and soul. I don’t think it’s healthy to feel or think the way I do at times, but it’s all too vague to make any decent conclusions as to what the fuck is going on.
Maybe I’m just tired.

The days just get slower~

When
You’re all praying and crying and sniffling
And you watch
And you stand
And you sit because you can’t look anymore
And sometimes
When you’re looking and you’re watching and you’re not sure if the breath you saw her take was the last
And when
Your uncles are crying and the great grandchildren are running around
But not oblivious
And when your family joins together like a potluck of junk food to share and snack on and a Starbucks traveling pitcher
And you wait
And you watch
And you pray and cry and sniffle again
And you know it has to be her time
Because she’s better off not in pain
And she’ll go peacefully
Soon

Fuck it.

Brace yourself.

You don’t have to pretend.